This post is going somewhere, I promise.

When I was a junior in high school, I bought a pair of $5 earrings from a store called Wet Seal. They were silver disks inlaid with a pretty design, and I bought them on a whim.

That was almost ten years ago, and they are the most fantastic pair of earrings I have ever owned. They’ve been to Paris, St. Thomas, Berlin, Spain, Luxembourg - they were with me through high school, they saw me through college, and I’m wearing them today at work. When I bought these $5 earrings, I never would have guessed how fantastic they would be. 

My point is that people are sort of like $5 earrings. In life, we pick up all sorts of friends. Some disappoint us when we started out believing they were wonderful. Others are exactly what we expect them to be. But my favorites are the ones who surprise us. The $5 earrings you didn’t give much thought about – the ones you assumed would walk in and out of your life in the blink of an eye – who turned out to be your favorite people in the world.

The wonderful thing about meeting someone is that there is that an entire world of possibilities opens up the moment you shake their hand. Who did you just meet? A new friend? A coworker? The love of your life? Someone you’ll forget about tomorrow? A person who will mean everything to you? Nothing? Something in between? And it all just starts with an introduction.

I’m on a constant search for a pair of earrings that I love as much as my $5 pair from Wet Seal. I’ve bought plenty of earrings with the intention that they would be my “new favorites”. But none of them came close, because you find the best things – the best people, the best memories, the best kind of happiness – when you’re not really looking for them.

Because we sure do seem to spend a lot of time looking for the one thing that’s right in front of us.

There are a couple of different levels to the whole “saying goodbye” thing. The older you get, the closer you come to the realization that you’re going to spend your life saying goodbye to people, whether temporarily or permanently.

The first round of goodbyes came when I graduated high school. Realizing that everyone is going their separate ways, but still be grounded in the fact that you’re from the same hometown. To all of you, “coming home” will always mean coming back to the place where you all grew up together. So you say goodbye, but you realize that it isn’t really permanent. You’ll see each other again. There will be summers and Christmases, always time to catch up. On the one hand, this realization is wonderful, on the other hand, it can also be infuriating. Because you realize that some people will just always be a part of your life, whether you want them there or not.

The second round of goodbyes came after college. Those are a little tougher. Because you’re not all from the same place, and you’re all heading someplace different. This time, without a timeline. It’s not “I’ll be gone for 4 years and then I’ll be back”. It’s just “I’ll be gone.” It takes more effort to keep up those college relationships, because you have to travel. You have to write, or text, or call, and wonder if this is something you can keep up for years and years or if it’s something that will eventually just fade away. But at the same time, you always have your school. The time you spent together – that common place that’s always there if you want to take a trip down memory lane.

Then there’s the third set of goodbyes. The ones that happen in the real world. The first time you say goodbye to someone and realize that you might actually never see them again, regardless of whether you want to or not. I find myself constantly saying goodbye these days. It seems that if you’re not leaving, someone else is. And things change a little bit with every goodbye, whether for better or worse.

I hate goodbyes, of course. I don’t know anyone who particularly likes them, unless you’ve got a flair for the dramatic and a thing for recreating the last scene from Casablanca (“If you don’t get on that plane, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow. But someday, soon and for the rest of your life”). Real goodbyes aren’t usually terribly theatrical, unless you’ve decided to live your life like a romantic comedy and have one last chance to tell Joe Shmoe that you’re in love with him (Because God forbid you’d actually told him when the two of you could’ve done something about it).

It’s just that it’s very odd to say goodbye and realize that you mean it. That everything is changing, and there isn’t that much time left. Because we always want more time, don’t we? Whether you’re forced to say goodbye to someone because of a tragic event, or it’s simply because life is moving you in different directions. There is no “see you later”, because you don’t know if you will. And maybe that’s the scary part – suddenly you realize that whether or not you see someone again is entirely up to you. Life isn’t going to toss you together anymore – it’s already done its job. After goodbye, friendships can’t just be reactive anymore, they have to be proactive. And that’s when you figure out how much people mean to you.

And maybe one day you’ll find yourself standing in an airport, wishing desperately that you could buy a ticket to see somebody and knowing that whether or not you do is entirely up to you. And you’ll think “If I don’t get on that plane, I’ll regret it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow. But someday, soon and for the rest of my life”.

I am an avid Obama supporter. If that bothers you, you might want to stop here.

When Obama officially announced that he was in favor of same-sex marriage yesterday, I was thrilled. The first election I ever voted in was the presidential election of 2008, and I voted for Obama. Come this November, I’ll be voting for him again. 

I’ll admit - when I vote, I vote largely on principle. And maybe that’s not quite the right way to do it. Maybe it’s more about logistics and policy and the nitty gritty. But I simply think this way: 

I would not support a man who believes that some of my dearest friends don’t deserve the same rights I do. Plain and simple. Set all the other policy and political bullshit aside, I just wouldn’t feel right supporting any person who seeks, whether intentionally or unintentionally, to devalue human love. 

That makes my choice pretty easy. 

The thing that got me about Obama’s announcement yesterday was that it once again gave me the feeling of hope I had when he first ran for president four years ago. Hope that things are evolving, changing for the better. And hope for the men and women who struggle to feel loved and accepted. Their day to day lives will still be difficult, but at least now they know that the President of the United States has their back. As one teenager tweeted: “Going to bed knowing I have the support of the most powerful man in the world. #feelsamazing #equality #itdoesgetbetter”

Politically speaking, this was also a pretty damn smart move. With the Republican party seeming to lean more far right than middle of the road these days, there has never been a better time for the president to showcase what makes him different from Mitt Romney - especially considering the fact that a majority of Americans are in favor of gay marriage.

I love our president. He’s not perfect, but I wouldn’t expect any president to be. I love him because he got rid of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. I love him because he supports gay marriage, not just civil unions. I love him because he believes my body is my own, and I should be able to decide what to do with it. 

I’m just one person, but he can count me in for November 2012. 

“Men and women can’t be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.”

“That’s not true. I have a number of male friends and there is no sex involved.”

“No you don’t.”

“Yes I do.”

“No you don’t, you only think you do.”

~When Harry Met Sally 

I’m not sure how many of you reading this watch New Girl, but I am an avid fan. Tonight, the sitcom tackled something we’re all familiar with - the backslide. 

You know, that accidental fall-back to your ex. Ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-lover, ex-friend with benefits, ex-“We’re too cool to label things but yes we were more or less dating”. Your ex. 

The episode was pretty right-on in terms of why the backslide happens. Usually, it’s because you’re lonely. And once upon a time, that person loved you and you loved that person. So hell, why not give it another try? Surely things will be different this time around. You’ve both changed. 

Well, I’m sure you have both changed. But seals and chimpanzees change too - that doesn’t mean they’ll suddenly be perfect for each other. They still don’t work on an extremely fundamental level. (please don’t ask me where I got that metaphor, I have no idea)

Honestly, though, backslides are reassuring. And that’s why they happen. Because we all feel insecure sometimes when we’re alone. “What if no one ever loves me again?” “What if that was the best it will ever get?” “What if I want something that just doesn’t exist?” The backslide is a sort of cushion for the blow of loneliness and fear that - like it or not - comes with being without a relationship. 

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the single life. It’s really a wonderful thing. I don’t believe I need a man to feel valued (although I once upon a time made the mistake of letting a man’s opinion of me become my opinion of me), and I don’t think my world is a horrific series of tragic events simply because I’m not with someone. 

But let’s be honest. People are social animals. And we get lonely. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or dependent or somehow deficient. We’re simply not built to be alone. We’re not built to never need anyone ever, period. There are certainly people who try to live that way, but I can’t imagine what it must be like. Terribly sad, I think. Human relationships are the most beautiful part of life.

Which brings us back to the backslide. Sometimes it’s because you actually miss the person. Sometimes it’s because you’ve convinced yourself that you miss the person. Sometimes it’s just because you want to feel loved by someone who has known you and loved you before. You want to feel understood and valued by another person. 

Sometimes you’re just horny, and they happen to be in the right place at the right time.

But regardless, it’s important to watch yourself if you get into a backslide. The reason it’s called a backslide is because you’ve moved forward in your life. I’ll take a wild guess and say that you’re probably growing as a person, and constantly changing. It’s a slippery slope once you take a step back from the unknown future and toward the familiar past. 

Beware the backslide, my friends. May you a fall a little if you must, but never tumble down the hill. 

So, how are you doing?

The question seems easy at first, but don’t be fooled. It’s actually absurdly complicated. 

Because really, who actually knows how they’re doing? 

I went for a hike today, and as I wandered along the trail (possibly imagining myself to be Katniss Everdeen), I asked myself how I was doing. How I honestly felt about myself as a person and my life in general. The only real time to ask yourself that question is when you’re alone - no distractions, no looming responsibilities - just you. Or in this case, just me and a forest. 

The reason that question is so hard to answer, at least for me, is because how I am actually doing independently of anyone else is not something I often consider. I mean, think about social media. How often to you think you’re doing great, and then you see someone’s awesome facebook status and suddenly feel like you’re actually doing a pretty crappy job at this whole ‘life’ thing, after all? We’re interactive beings. We feed off of each other’s moods and ideas, and it can be incredibly hard, especially in the age of the over-share, to detach yourself enough to actually think about how YOU are. 

Not how you are in the eyes of society. Not how you are in relation to the people around you. Not how you should be. How you actually are. 

So, how am I? Well, as I wandered the woods enjoying the sunshine and hoping that my tragically pale Irish skin didn’t get burned, I realized that I’m actually pretty damn good. As it turns out, I like myself. And I like what I’m doing and where my life is going. Which is wonderful, but also difficult to remember. Because it is so easy to rate my life based on someone else’s. So easy that it actually took conscious effort for me to separate myself from everyone and everything and just look at how I think my life is going.

See what I mean? The question is not so simple.  

The bottom line is that how great another person’s life does or doesn’t seem to be going shouldn’t have any affect on how you perceive your life to be going. Same with how society tells you you should feel about your life. Sometimes I find myself going out on dates and trying to meet people just because society would tell me that if I’m single, I should be trying to find a way to not be single anymore.

Looking at your life independently is so much more easily said than done, I know, but it’s definitely worth it. Otherwise you’ll just go around changing your perceptions of yourself based on the people who wander into your life at any given period in time. And then you wouldn’t be much of yourself, would you? Just a composite of everyone’s opinion of you. 

So, how are you?

I hope you’re doing well.  

I spend entirely too much time looking for things.

Don’t ask me what I’m looking for, because I have no idea. Which is probably part of the problem. It’s just a general sort of looking. Waiting. Wondering when “it” is going to come along.

But what the hell is it anyway? To get philosophical here, I think ‘it’ is the thing we invent to convince ourselves that we aren’t actually happy. The “if only I had this, then everything would be perfect” aspect of our lives. 

It is the right job. The right person. The right house. The right lifestyle. Whatever society tells us we have to have in order to create the perfect life. Because you couldn’t possibly be happy without all of these things. 

We’re always looking for something more, aren’t we? But the thing is, there is no guarantee that it, whatever it is, will make you happy. Because once you find it, you’ll just find something else to look for. Sort of a vicious cycle, isn’t it? 

Rather than trying to be happy in our current situation - to live in the moment - we instead seem to look for reasons to be unhappy. “There is something that could make this better. And that thing is what I want.” And I wonder why we do that. There is certainly nothing wrong with pursuing what makes you happy, but there’s also a point at which the very thing you’re pursuing becomes the one thing standing in the way of your happiness. 

As for me? I think I’m afraid to stop looking for “it”. Maybe because I’m afraid that happiness equates with complacency, and complacency is the one feeling I could never stand. But those are two different things, in the end. Because happiness isn’t settling, it’s just looking around you and realizing that a wonderful sort of joy has entered your life. It doesn’t mean that you stop trying to better yourself or your life - it just means that you understand there isn’t one “thing” that would make it all perfect. Life, with all of it’s imperfections and road blocks and detours, should make us happy simply because we are able to live it. A constant adventure. 

Sometimes I think that if we just stopped and took a look around, we might realize we’re happy already.

And wouldn’t that be something. 

Okay, fine. I’ll admit it. I’m addicted to One Direction. I am a 22 year old woman with a full time job, and I’m a Directioner. 

For those of you who aren’t familiar, One Direction is the latest British confection put together by none other than Simon Cowell - and they are more or less the best recipe for success since The Spice Girls. Put together 5 cute teenage boys who can sing, write them some pop music, dress them in vaguely color-coordinated clothes, let their fan base give each one a superlative, and watch the money roll in. 

And I am trying not to hate myself, because I love them.

1D first popped up on my radar about six months ago. I didn’t hear any of their music, I just heard about them. And I thought “oh, nice. something new for tweens to bop around to”. When I actually heard one of their songs, I thought “huh. cute.” When I saw the line of girls waiting for them at 30 Rock when I was on the NBC Studios tour in NYC, I thought “okay, maybe they’re better than I give them credit for?” When I heard them on SNL, I had to admit that their music was catchy.

And then I downloaded their album. This was a mistake, because it is the ONLY thing I want to listen to - in my kitchen making dinner, in my room getting ready for the day, in the car driving around …. One Direction.

In general, my music taste is somewhat eclectic. Great loves include Bruce Springsteen, Josh Groban, Meatloaf, Frank Sinatra, Duke Ellington, and The Beatles. I wasn’t even that into boy bands the first time around, when N*Sync and The Backstreet Boys were all anyone could talk about.

But damn it. One Direction. 

I feel the need to somehow justify my love of an album that consists of pop ballads, catchy choruses, and dance beats. And the only thing I can think of is this: I can’t listen to their songs and not feel awesome. They come pre-packaged with self-esteem boosts and a general air of reassurance that obviously you are an incredible girl, and these guys who you have never met (but who are clearly singing about you) would treat you soooo much better than that dick who broke your heart. And I feel absurd for loving their music so much, because I am in fact not a teenage girl wondering if she’ll ever meet “the one” after her high school boyfriend breaks up with her. My problems, by and large, exist in the wider scope of the adult world. 

But the bottom line is that the entire album “Up All Night” is basically like a musical hug. 

And who doesn’t need a good hug now and then? 

Oh yes, kids. The “F” word. The big one.

Feminism.

You can’t spit these days without hitting the debate over women’s rights. As for me, well, I’m a woman who wants to make her own choices. I’m a feminist. I’m also a Catholic, a liberal, a dancer, a writer, and one of those people who wheezes embarrassingly when I laugh. 

I am any number of things, and up until recently it never seemed important to me to state that I am a feminist. I mean … I’m a modern woman. Doesn’t that speak for itself? It always seemed to me that believing in equal rights and free choices was a given. 

It frightens me how much I see today that runs contrary to that. Conversations I watch women have on “Mad Men”, only to turn around and find myself talking to my friends about the same situations. The choice between a man and a career. How in the hell does that choice even still have to be made? So often I see my female friends compromising their wants and needs for the people they love - but compromise is nothing but sacrifice if the yoke isn’t equally born. And sooner or later, a life of constant sacrifice leads to complete loss of yourself. 

Even as I sit here writing this, the fact that I am doing so seems somehow absurd to me. Haven’t we already been over this? Haven’t we already conquered this? On some levels, certainly. At least the surface level. A woman has the right to do whatever fulfills her most - be that a professional career or the career of a full-time wife and mother. But we still call women who sleep around sluts, while the most widely-used term I can think of for a man who sleeps around is a “player”. Women still have to watch themselves when they go out, in case they end up in a situation with a man who doesn’t take no for an answer. A single mother still gets eyed up in the grocery store, silently judged. 

Those are the things that aren’t so easily fixed by passing a law or equalizing pay. You can’t change the way people think by passing a law - you can only change the way they’re “supposed” to behave. And that’s not much of anything, really, because passing a law doesn’t mean the law is respected, and respect is sort of the root of the problem, isn’t it?

Because if you respect someone, you would never deign to tell them that they cannot make their own choices. You would never deign to tell them where they do and do not belong in societal roles. And on some levels, yes, respect is something that should be earned and not given. But in a general sense? Every human being deserves respect. The right to be trusted to make their own decisions.

And you certainly cannot be in the right to show flagrant disrespect for half of this world’s population. 

“Oh, (s)he’s too good for me.” 

Ever said that? Or felt it? You meet someone and they just seem so incredible, so wonderful, so absolutely everything you’ve ever wanted, that you just automatically know they’re far too good for the likes of you? 

Yeah, well, that’s the person you should try for.

I spent a fair bit of time meeting wonderful men who I immediately pegged as too good for “a girl like me”. Don’t ask me what that phrase means, because I have no real idea. I think a girl like me is just who I am - that is, when I look at myself and see nothing but the faults. You know, the faults you list following a line like “Why do you like me? I’m so …. (insert faults here)”. So I wrote these men off immediately, because what would a nice guy like that want with me? 

This leads to a conundrum though. Because I’ve also been with some men who’ve left me feeling, at the end of it all, like I deserve to be treated better. Sometimes these men even started out as the “too good for me” guy, when in the end it was really me who was too good for them.

Because if you don’t try for the person you think is “too good” for you, all you’ll end up with is an endless stream of people who aren’t good enough. It isn’t that they’re bad people (although sometimes yes, they are) - it’s just that they might not match what you need and want out of a relationship. You’re not good for them, they’re not good for you. 

It’s also important to remember that the “too good” person isn’t perfect, even though they seem that way. Assumed perfection can be incredibly intimidating.  But we’re all human, even if at first glance someone seems to piss rainbows and crap glitter. I assure you, they actually do not (well, I’m pretty sure, anyway).

The point is that half the time we’re the ones standing in our own way. We don’t even bother trying to climb the mountain, we just settle for sitting at the bottom of it looking up and thinking of how we never could have made it.

But you probably could, if you gave it a try. You’d at least climb a little bit - and halfway up the mountain is halfway better than the bottom.